Stop Waiting for the Right Time
by JannP
Summary: She's the only thing that makes him feel special.  It seems dumb now, how they thought before they could just say they were part of something special and that's what made them special.  But what if it is?  Finn-centered oneshot/missing scene from 3X10.


**A/N: **It's been a long time since I did a Finn-centered oneshot. I'm still not convinced I got everything I wanted in there, but we'll see. Inspired by the song **The Beauty of Letting Go **by **Green River Ordinance_. _**Their new song is so amazing and totally free on their website and I think everyone should check it out even if I can't link you to it. Anyway, let me know what you think and thanks for all the support, reads, reviews, reblogs, comments, etc. Even if real life is kicking my ass, I still look forward to this and your feedback. Thank you!

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing and I am not affiliated with anything officially. I think most establishments are too afraid of my big mouth to be tied to my in any capacity anyway.

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><p><strong>Stop Waiting for the Right Time<strong>

Finn hates how people always say 'and do you know what the worst part was?' He's always hated it; actually, he's just never stopped to figure out why. He's stopped to figure out a lot of stuff lately though and this is kind of one of those things he's just stumbled on. Well, because it turns out he's done a lot of thinking in the last week or so and most of it hasn't been on actual subjects that matter because the subjects that matter are also the subjects that hurt. And the worst part is he's been avoiding those and so they still hurt and he still hasn't decided or thought about or figured out much. But he hates when people say something was the worst part 'cause it seems like there's always another bad part just waiting around the bend to suck a little harder in a minute. There are just so many things with this latest go-round that have kind of knocked him on his ass. He doesn't know whether he should be mad or hurt or sad or angry. He's gonna just go with confused and kind of put it all under that one heading.

The worst part is it seems like everyone else knows what's best for him or they think they know. How can they know if he doesn't know and they won't give him a chance to even figure it out before the worst part becomes not as bad as he used to think because –

Yeah, his dad? Not his hero anymore.

His teacher? Not someone he can talk to about it.

His mom? Not really someone he can trust or even look straight in the eye 'cause she told this huge, huge lie. Plus, he's torn between wishing she was the first person who had made him feel this stupid and wishing maybe he was as stupid as she made him feel. Makes it hard to know what to say anyway.

And then the circle of sucking starts and he feels sad. He feels sad because he can't stop himself from thinking about everything his mom has been through. He guesses that means in a way he's been through it too. He hasn't really even talked to her much since the thing and he knows he's not ready to just yet so he's gonna sit on it for a while and try to come up with the right words to say. And the longer he goes, the more sad she gets and the more mad she thinks he is. He knows her, he knows how their relationship works and even if the middle of it is a big, huge lie—he isn't mad. Well...mostly he's not mad. Mostly he's sad because he really loves his mom and she kept all this stuff from him to protect him or whatever and that had to have been a really hard thing to do for, like, his whole life...on top of her actually dealing with the details. He's let his mind go some awful places while he's been trying to get used to the new images of his dad—did drugs make his dad abusive? Did she stay up at night when his dad was gone? Did he cheat on her or lie or steal or… he can't think about it too much and he honestly doesn't think he'll ever really be ready to _know_.

But there is some of him that's mad, too, and saying it isn't there would be a lie and he's kind of over the fact that everyone lies. Every_fucking_one lies. Like, he and Rachel have been doing the total honesty thing and it works so well he thinks the whole world should get in on that. It just makes things so much easier. The worst parts don't get worse, they get a little easier to take because you don't have to play catch-up if there weren't lies involved. It sucks but then you move on 'cause there's not a moment where it gets worse.

So he's mad not only 'cause of the lying but 'cause it makes him feel stupid. It makes him feel stupid when people lie to him and this seems like the biggest fucking lie _ever_. Like worse than the one where Santa is a real person made of magic. He feels like magic might not exist anymore and learning that was maybe the worst part.

He doesn't get to have a hero. He doesn't get to have something special inside him, something brave and honest and like a _real_ man. It's just all broken and can't get past things and trying but never really measuring up and then dying alone and leaving your wife and kid behind 'cause you're too messed up to actually fix any of it. His mom says his dad loved him, loved them both, and that's why he tried to get over it. But obviously in the end love just wasn't enough and he didn't make it.

But then Rachel was there, singing to him. He is enough. She thinks he's why she's strong. She thinks he loves her and she thinks that he does a good enough job of it that it's just _enough _for her in that awesome way where you always want more but you're happy with what you have. She's the only thing that makes him feel special. It seems dumb now, how they thought before they could just say they were part of something special and that's what made them special. But what if it is? What if all he needs to special is her and the way he loves her and the reason it's special is 'cause they started off so young and they still made it work?

That's not to say they haven't tripped a few times. More than a few times. It's not to say they haven't hurt and had problems and whatever. They learned all about lying and trusting and loving and in a lot of ways they grew up together 'cause that was all each other had. He made her want to be better—she told him that, he's not just making it up or reaching—and she made him better. She makes him better. She does it all the time.

She's the only one who does it all the time. Everyone else just kinda… it's like they expect him to be this big leader or whatever and as much as they try to encourage him, they just fail him. They think his reasons are bad, or at least that they aren't good enough. They think he's too dumb to actually figure it out, and they're either disappointed he didn't figure it out sooner or telling him it's too little too late. So he tries to jump the gun with something, tries to help his friend with something and in the end he gets smacked (literally) and told he was wrong. He can't be honest with his friends, he can't trust the people who have tried to teach or raise him, and he can count on one finger the people (person) who have never been a letdown or a liar. There's only one person who can make him feel like he can do anything because she actually believes it, and only one person he wants to help him with it anyway.

He's been laying on his bed in the dark, staring up at the ceiling he can't see. He's kinda been doing that for days. Normally he's had music on to keep his head distracted from that stuff that hurts. He doesn't really want to poke at the open cut even if he knows he needs to find a way to get over it. He's trying to put his whole life and all his goals and his focus back together. He thought he had a direction before but they kinda took care of that. He wanted to prove himself, to be something—well, what if he proves himself as a man by taking care of someone else?

Anyway, there's a knock on his door that he's gonna ignore. His mom, Burt (who has mostly been gone to Washington and that will probably never stop being weird), Kurt… they've all been worried and hovering and knocking. He just doesn't wanna talk to them. Not yet. He talked to Kurt a little but just enough Kurt knows what's going on 'cause really… as much as Rachel has never lied to him and he trusts her, Kurt is kind of like that too. It's a little different trusting Kurt though 'cause Kurt can see the parents' side a little more. Rachel just lets him pace and rant and talk and she (surprisingly) doesn't ask a lot of questions. She just lets him be. Then again, she's the only one who wouldn't have knocked and would've just come in.

The knocking stops and his hand lands on his stomach, clasping at the fuzzy box he brought home with him, tucked into his pocket so no one would see it and ask questions. He knows they aren't gonna get it. He hopes Rachel will get it. He thinks she will. It wasn't like he didn't think about it before he did it, but it was all jumbled together with other stuff and when he pulled it out, it was the only thing that actually made sense. He _does_ have something special. He just needs to make sure she knows that when he said that at the restaurant he wasn't talking about her. But he sees her point – and if the way he loves her is what makes him something then he's gonna be something and he needs her help. He can't do it without her, he doesn't wanna do it without her, and they're legal age (or close enough) so he won't have to do it without her.

He isn't totally sure what he's gonna say. They don't have Glee tomorrow and its right before the long weekend so school will empty out quick. He knows he wants to take her to the auditorium 'cause it just seems like so much of their lives have happened there and it seems like the rest of their life should start in that spot, too. They can be alone and have a minute in private, which they'll never get in the hall or in the choir room or at one of their houses. Their minute can be special there, too. It all fits together in his head and it seems like it'll be good—if he can just think of what he's gonna say.

He knows he's crap with words. He can't do a song and make it seem like they're the only two people in the world. Well, he did that once but he's pretty sure it's a one-time thing. Plus he was singing about how she hurt him and whatever and no one really wants to hear a song about how much he loves her – probably including her. It's just… it's lame and it's cheesy and he can't really do that. Plus he doesn't want anyone else there and other people helped him with that song before. No, this has to be all him. All him and her and that's it; just them. That's what he wants for everything and forever and it has to just be that way. He wants to forget the other crap and focus.

His hand flips the box open and his thumb rubs over the diamond in the middle and the rough patches on the band where there are diamonds on either side. It's not much. He knows after ring-shopping with Schue that it isn't much. It's not a big diamond, it's not a fancy band, and it's not like a gold star or anything. But her hands are tiny anyway, and he knows if she'll just let him put this on her finger, he'll spend the rest of his life with his thumb touching it like this and it'll be so good.

He just really, really hopes she'll say yes.

It doesn't mean she doesn't love him if she says no. It doesn't mean she doesn't agree that she's the special thing about him. It doesn't even mean he can't go to New York or something with her and they could be together and live together and work together and… okay, basically he doesn't know what he's doing on that front yet. He can't really think about it. He thought he had a plan and that kinda got taken away and he'll figure it out later but not today. Right now, if she says yes, his plan is to be where she is and that's gonna be good enough. No—not even that. It'll just be good. Great. Special. Perfect.

It'll be the real thing in his life; when your life is the real thing in your life, everything is gonna be okay. He knows that much for sure. It's the only thing he's certain of at this point. And she can help him let go of all the expectations he put on himself. He can focus on what she expects from him and it'll give him the motivation to do it. He can focus on making her happy, being there for her, and fill in all the rest with his own goals and his own plans and it'll be so good. They'll be happy, they'll be in love and they'll just… just be. He's a pretty simple guy, he thinks now, and he doesn't need the complication of living up to his dad (or living down to his dad) or trying to be a man like he thinks Mr. Schue is or anything else. He can be with her, be himself, and be happy.

That's really all he wants—is to be happy. She makes him so, so happy. Now he's just gotta tell her that. She is the best thing about him. She's the big dreamer and the big planner and… and she can dream for them both and plan for them both and he can help and they can make it.

He hopes with everything in him she'll say yes. He snaps the box closed and puts in on his nightstand. As he pulls the covers up over his shoulder, he hopes some more she'll agree and they can start and that's really all the hope he needs for now.


End file.
